


The Magazine

by TheChichiSlaughterHouse



Category: One Piece
Genre: Humour, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pre-Slash, Warning: Zoro's massive cock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:21:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27181039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheChichiSlaughterHouse/pseuds/TheChichiSlaughterHouse
Summary: Sanji keeps annoying Zoro with stupid magazines - those obnoxious ones full of half-naked women in ridiculous poses. He's sick of seeing them but nothing seems to stop the cook bringing them to him anyway, trying to suss out what kind of crap he likes. Today, something seems different though...
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 19
Kudos: 168





	The Magazine

**Author's Note:**

> The Magazine
> 
> By The Chichi Slaughter House
> 
> Warnings: ZoSan, dumb shit, Zoro’s massive penis, TCSH bullying Sanji (as always)…
> 
> Disclaimer: One Piece belongs to Eiichiro Oda.
> 
> Rating: R
> 
> Okay, so I saw [this picture on twitter](https://twitter.com/Honyarara00/status/1317061938375925761?s=20) and Zoro’s expression had me giggly because of course he’s gonna be unimpressed with Sanji’s titty magazines… But then my brain decided to think some stupid shit and after I told it to my friends they were wetting themselves and begging me to go for it, so here is this… Uh, enjoy?
> 
> [Twitter](http://twitter.com/slaughterchichi) | [Tumblr](http://slaughterchichi.tumblr.com) | [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.social/slaughterchichi) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/slaughterchichi)

Zoro was out on the deck of the Thousand Sunny on watch whilst the others had disembarked onto the island. Something he’d volunteered for this time, not having any money to spend ashore even if he went into town. Though he’d have liked the walk, it wasn’t worth arguing over who would have to stay behind since everyone had things they wanted to get – he’d just end up doing their shopping for them if he left anyway.

To be honest it was a good chance to get in a bigger workout than usual, really use the space of the deck to his advantage for once. It was guaranteed that whenever he tried this with the others around, he’d end up getting yelled at for being in the way; people complaining that they’d almost been hit by his weights though they were so big he didn’t know how they didn’t see them.

There’d be none of that today, not for a few hours more at the very least. Nami in particular had seemed to have a lot of things she wanted to buy, and Luffy could be counted on to kick up some sort of fuss or drama for them to clean up before the visit was over. If he was lucky, he’d manage to get in a nap as well, but—

“Yo, Zoro!”

He was just getting into the zone when a familiar voice called to him from the dock, causing Zoro to turn his head and groan at who he saw approaching him. 

Ah, just what he needed right now – the bloody cook looking smug and carrying a rolled-up magazine. Almost certainly another of those dumb titty ones he loved so much, though why he’d bother bringing something like that to Zoro again was beyond him. Last time he’d just rolled his eyes and ignored Sanji’s pestering over which girl he liked, pushing him away when he got too insistent and had shoved it in his face. It had ended with them brawling after he lost his temper and ripped it in half; something he thought would dissuade him from doing it again. He was sure that Sanji would have learned his lesson, especially when the cook had sulked about it for days afterwards.

Apparently not.

The swordsman was contemplating how to deal with it this time, whether it’d be better to just play along or rip it up from the get-go. The sulking for days had been nice, actually, given him some peace. Then again, he had felt a little bad about it after a while – no one really had all that much spending money to begin with, and he had eventually felt a bit bored without the idiot harassing him. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let him be annoying for once.

Zoro sighed and laid down his barbell, figuring it better to not have anything heavy in his hands in case he got to urge to whack Sanji upside the head. Barehanded or wielding a sword was one thing, but he knew Chopper would kick up a fuss if he used anything else. It was fine to do that to Luffy, but—

“You won’t believe what I found today.” Sanji excitedly flicked his wrist out towards him when he got close enough, unravelling the glossy pages from within his palm. Expecting him to look at it immediately in interest like Usopp would, as if he didn’t have anything better to do with his damned time.

“What? More boring wank fodder?” Zoro didn’t even glance down at it, rolling his eyes in disdain.

“No, I think you’ll find this very much in your interests.” The smug tone caught his attention more than the words themselves – it was the one the cook used when he was certain of something, when he had the clear upper hand somehow. Often used on enemies in fights or during card games with the crew when he was about to win a round. Much as he hated to admit it, he’d been on the receiving end of it himself a few times, relegated to running errands for the prick in exchange for losing.

What was more interesting than the fact that Sanji seemed so pleased with himself was that he hadn’t bothered getting the rest of the crew around to watch while he tried to humiliate him. Perhaps he was too excited this time, or planning to use it as some sort of weird blackmail. Zoro would have considered that he just wanted to connect with him but if that was the case, then why would he act like that?

Regardless of the reason, all he had to do was remain calm. Nothing ruffled the cook’s feathers more than disinterest, and there was no point getting paranoid or upset until he actually knew what he was dealing with anyway. Better to just get it over with as soon as possible so he could get back to working out, with or without kicking the cook’s ass for wasting his time.

Zoro resigned himself to whatever was in store and glanced down at Sanji’s outstretched hand, recognising a photo of his own bare torso on the cover. On the top of the magazine were the words “Big Dick” in huge red letters… Ah, right. That side job he’d done to try and pay back some of his debt to Nami had finally been published.

“See, marimo?? An entire magazine knows you’re an asshole!”

The cook’s face was lit up with delight, as if he’d won the lottery or something. Lips turned up around the cigarette between them, smug and haughty though he obviously had no clue what it actually was that he held in his hands. The poor bastard had probably been too distracted by the photo and magazine name to pay attention to anything else.

Zoro stifled his urge to laugh. Someone was definitely going to leave this conversation feeling embarrassed and ashamed but it was definitely not him.

“Hmm, not quite.” Zoro leaned in closer, throwing an arm around Sanji’s shoulders to stop him from escaping as he opened the magazine to his page. “Different kind of dick, see?”

Across the two-page spread were pictures of himself in various states of undress; some teasing pics before the grand finale. When they’d been taken he wasn’t actually sure which shots would be used – all he’d been promised was that they wouldn’t show his face. Not that that mattered of course; the huge scar across his chest made it obvious, which is why this idiot had figured it out from a single glance. Zoro hummed low in his throat at the small excerpts of an ‘interview’ near the pictures, still overly entertained that they’d bothered having one. Journalistic integrity, they’d said. As if a porn mag needed that.

Overall it wasn’t terrible, but the “title” left a lot to be desired. He didn’t recall ever saying “I love swords and my meat is huge” but he supposed it didn’t really matter. The last thing Zoro cared about was what random people thought of him anyway.

His gaze flicked back to Sanji’s face as he felt the cook trembling under his bicep, the sharp blue eye staring at the picture of him masturbating. It was a nice shot, the lighting team had done a good job.

“No way,” Sanji stuttered, turning his head after a moment. “That’s gotta be edited.”

Huh. Not the reaction he’d been anticipating. By now he’d thought Sanji would have already kicked him in the face or started yelling – was he too shocked to think properly or was it something else…? For a ‘straight’ guy, he’d certainly been looking at that for just a little _too_ long.

“Oh yeah?” Zoro couldn’t help his shit-eating grin nor the way his amusement leaked into his words, dropping his voice to a low purr. “You can check for yourself if you want.”

Sanji jumped so hard that he dropped the magazine on the floor, the red that had been in his cheeks blooming upwards so it covered his entire face. Zoro could tell that his impulse was to stare at him in disbelief but Sanji was stubbornly looking off to the side, clearly unable to make eye contact with him after that.

“N-No thanks!”

Out of nowhere Sanji finally shoved him hard in the chest, breaking free of his grip before beginning to sprint away. Kicking up dust clouds with his heels, speeding off like his life were at stake if he didn’t leave that very instant. Zoro blinked as he watched, half-heartedly lifting a hand to his mouth to shout after him:

“Oi, you forgot your gay magazine!”

As he expected, there was no response from the cook at all. In fact, he’d already disappeared from Zoro’s sight. The swordsman snorted as he looked down to the magazine, a smile tugging at the edges of his lips when he bent down to pick it up. What to do with it now? He could throw it away but it’d seem like a waste…

After a moment of deliberation he stored it in his haramaki for later, just so he could wave it in Sanji’s face if the cook pissed him off again. Maybe then he’d find out what that stare was all about.


End file.
